WWE Smackdown Taping...Two Weeks Ago...

Video Plays of Randy Orton's attack on the entire McMahon Clan.

So yeah.   At this point I usually give the hard sell for our membership site.   People complain that it's too much.   Too over the top.   So in honor of the Raw Insanity return, I'm going low key with this.   The minimalist approach, if you will.   All I'll say is that Glacier is our 152^nd guest.   Now if you want more information, you can head over to the site.   You wanna see minimalist?   Here.   

Watch.

Watch this.

ClubWWI.com

There ya go.   Now let's do this...

Last week on Raw, Triple H and Sweet Miss Sledgie went to town on Randy Orton and the Randy Orton Dancers.

Raw is live and everyone in St. Louis…make some noise!   Yeah!   I can't hear you!   Make some noise!   I still can't hear you!   Make some…

Oh.   I can't hear you because Raw's in Boston.   Whatever.   My bad.   That still doesn't change the jampacked pamjacked flapjack of a show that's on the way.   In a bout to determine the man who will probably lose to Undertaker at WrestleMania 25, the Diaper Trunked Drago, Vladimir Kozlov, takes on the Heartbreak Middle Aged Man Shawn Michaels.   Plus Dandy Randy Orton chooses his WrestleMania dance partner.   You excited?   You better be because Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are and if you don't plaster a smile on your face, they're coming to your house…and they're packin'.

Jerry Lawler is in the ring and he's showing off one of his ridiculous shirts.   It's shiny black with a pattern of sparkly crowns on it.   It looks like something a baby would wear.    Lawler is here to announce one of the biggest matches in Raw history…tonight.   You see, Vicki Guerrero told him to announce it for some reason.   Everyone's excited.   What's it gonna be, your highness?

World Champion Edge faces…John Cena!

People go nuts.   Boston is wicked stoked.   Nomaaaarrrrr!   So stoked that we all have a flashback.   The camera shoots to the side of the arena and we see  the Piper's Pit set that Adrian Adonis destroyed in 1987 is back from the past.   With bagpipes, everyone assumes it's Roddy.   Nope.   It was…

Hey Vince, do I get to wear a kilt?

No, Chris.

I found this one that's sort of shiny.   It might be a skirt actually, but I can wear it.   That cool?   Shiny skirt?

No, Chris.

OK.   Too much.   Too much.   I'm sorry.

Chris Jericho has arrived.   The Savior is here on the scene to make amends for all the crappy things he has done to the WWE legends brigade.   How?   By resurrecting Piper's Pit and hosting it himself.   That's right.   In an homage to the Hot Rod, the somber Y2J plays a clip of…well, the usual clip that gets played when we talk about Piper's Pit.

Piper's Pit:   The Epic Jimmy Snuka Edition.   This one and where he went apesheet on Frankie the Jobber were the two best on the original set.   When he was in his prime, Rowdy Roddy was untouchable.

This cues the King of Bling Bling's guest…Jimmy Snuka himself…uh, Jimmy Snuka!   To a rousing ovation, Jimmy, looking like the nice old man that serves Mai Tai's at noon in the lounge, sits down on a seat beside the Ayotallah of Rock-n-Rolla.   This, of course, cues another video.   What video?   One of a match between Jimmy Snuka and Roddy Piper.   We all watch patiently.

Back to the present, Jimmy Jam tries to get a word in edgewise but Jericho cuts him off.   Chill, oldie.   We may relive your glory on Betamax, but you're the epitome of pathetic.   You want to know why you're pathetic?   Why 2 J will tell you…

"You are the poster boy for what Mickey Rourke's movie, the Wrestler is all about.  Because in every sport Hall of Famers are retired but not you, Jimmy.  You're in your mid 60s and yet you still embarrass yourself every weekend by working independent wrestling shows in high school gyms all across New Jersey.  No, no, no, no, no.  No.  You listen to me.  And on top of that, you and Piper enter the Royal Rumble last year.  How selfish of you.  How dare you!  Do you know how many deserving superstars weren't allowed to compete in the Royal Rumble because of your selfishness, Snuka?"
- Chris Jericho

(JG Note:  Uh…two?)

"They could have won the Rumble and went on to WrestleMania and had their lives and careers changes forever but you wouldn't allow that to happen. You had to hear the roar of the crowd one last time.  Whatever few functioning brain cells are left in that broken down body, in that broken down cranium of yours had to be in the spotlight and hear the roar of these hypocrites one last time."
- Chris Jericho

The camera pulls in close on Chris Jericho.  He has a cut in between his eyes and it sort of looks like the Waylon Mercy sword thing.

"So pack it in.   Go home and stay home.   Do you understand what I am saying to you right now?"
- Chris Jericho

Superfly makes a silly face and screams that he doesn't understand.   This moment sends Christopher over the edge.   He reaches down and finds a bag that he left under the table.   Inside that bag?   Fruit.   Lots of it.   He starts to recreate the Piper's Pit from way back when, stopping to call the crowd hypocrites in between.

At this point, the Shupa-Shupa-Shuperfly starts to vibrate in anger.   He chases off the egoticstacal Canadian and absorbs the love of the crowd…

Until – quite poetically actually – Chris Jericho…breaks the walls down.

Literally.

The Piper's Pit stand falls apart as the Fozzy Bear comes bursting through, burying Sim's Dad beneath it.   That gives him the opening he needs to pummel the WWE Hall of Famer.   Belt whips and fruit face and all that good stuff goes down as Waylon Jericho whips the man soundly and finishes up with a smug look of satisfaction.

Now since we know that there's a ton of guys booked on this show, what have we learned here?   Anyone?

Everyone hates Jimmy Snuka.   I mean, seriously.   If I was Jimmy, I'd be friggin pissed when I got backstage.   He's a Hall of Famer.  No one backstage can come to the rescue?  What's a superfly got to do to get a little backup?    

Did You Know?   Raw is the most watched show by people who are watching it.

Before the break, Chris Jericho did his Roddy Piper impression.   Jimmy Snuka did his get-my-ass-kicked-in-a-Hawaiian-shirt impression.

We shoot back to the table and Jerry Lawler is upset about his silly shirt.   Oh wait.   No.   He's mad about Chris Jericho.   Y2J is getting some Randy Orton sloppy seconds.   How so?   Legend Killer tour, baby.   He took out Jimmy Snuka and Ricky Steamboat, just to name a few.   What can stop him?   Who can stop him?   Can it be someone at the announce table?   Could it be one of the announcers?   Could it be – you guessed it – Michael Cole?   Hmmm.   Stay tuned.

Last week C.M. Punk qualified for the Money in the Bank Ladder Match.   I'm curious to see how many bad bailout puns they make about this match at WrestleMania.  

1.  Money in the Bank Qualifier:   Kane defeated Mike Knox and Rey Mysterio via pinfall on Knox

World Wrestling Insanity readers voted Kane vs. Rey Mysterio as the worst storyline of 2008.   Glad to see them still plodding on together in March of 2009.   Of course, we have Hillbilly Mike in the fray now.   That said, I think Knox is much better than many people give him credit for.   He has an old school look that makes him seem like he worked for World Class at some point.   The crazy beard, the 80s physique, and the black trunks makes him the John Nord for a new generation.   (JG Note:   aka The Berserker – WWE Hall of Famer Class of 2011 – shhh.)   Michael Cole asked Jerry Lawler what it would be like to have one of these men in the match.   Lawler responds by talking about the ladder and how it can be used as a weapon.   He goes on about it for a while and when he's done, Michael continues on about a totally new subject.   It was the perfect of example of what's wrong with announcing today.   There's no interaction.   Not only did Cole not say, "Hey.   Dude.   What the hell?   I asked you a question."   He completely ignored the response and just talked out loud.   Weird stuff.   Sadly, it's the theme sometimes.   This match featured all the spots you'd expect.   Rey seemed to have it all sewn up and left Mikey Knoxville in the position for the 619.   The Big Red Machine caught him though.   This lead to a series of moves and some near falls.   Both Mike and Brothertaker scored two counts on Wee Man and it looked like the end was near.   Then, out of nowhere, Big Red stopped focusing on Mysti and grabbed Beardo by the gullet. In one foul swoop, Katie Vick's prom date nailed him.   With a chokeslam.   Pervert.  

After picking up the 123, Kane-o chose to take care of unfinished business before walking off.   What business is that?   The chokeslamming small people bi'niss!   Aw snap!   Rey Rey eats the chokie-wokie and we go to a commercial break.

Commercial Break:

WrestleMania 25^th Anniversary Video:  Highlighting the WrestleMania 12 Ironman Match between Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart.   With no falls for the entire hour, Michaels appeared to submit but really hadn't.  Although Hart thought he won , he complied when he was called back to continue the match.    I guess he figured they'd return the favor someday.

Todd Grisham has pointy hair and he's standing by with Shawn Michaels.   Over in Interview Central, HBK is pimping his garb and fielding questions about Vladimir Kozlov.   No need to remind the Man Toy about the Moscow Mauler.   Shawn knows the deal with that dude.   He's been there.   He's done that.   He's gotten the tee-shirt.   He's then taken that tee-shirt and sewn sequins on it.   There's no chance that someone is going to stand in the way of his WrestleMania match against the Undertaker.   If they try to, the Heart-Break-Kid is gonna dance-all-over-their-face!   Okay.   He didn't say that, but he used to.   It was cool when he did.   Remember that?   Energetic happy Shawn Michaels?   Now he's like H Be On Valium.   He's too mellow.   Drink some Red Bull, Sad Eyes.   Ain't no one want your misery to rub off on them.

Commercial Break.

2. Kelly Kelly and Mickie James defeated Jillian Hall and Beth Phoenix when Kelly pinned Hall.

Maryse and Melina did commentary for this one.   Why?   Because Maryse barely speaks English.   She insults Lina at the announce table while the women in the ring tossed one another awkwardly around.   At one point, Kelly Kelly was thrown to the mat and nearly had her head pop off as it hit the bottom rope.   In the end, you can't complain about it.   The thing didn't last long.   It finished up with Double K rolling up Razor Ramona Jillian Hall for the win.

After the bell, Rosa Mendez, Glamorella's Intern, jumped into the ring and went off on Kelly Kelly.   When Melina jumped up from the table to help out, Maryse rushed up from behind…and walloped her with a DDT.    I'm sure she'll eventually name it something with the word "French" in it.   I'm leaning towards either the "French Connection" or the "French Fried Potater."

Video recap of the past few weeks of animosity between Triple H and Single R Single O.   Same clips.   Same crap.   Same grunts.   I'm not kidding either.   It's the same video they started the show with.   The piece is really long and has aired twice in 54 minutes.  

Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes, and Ted DiBiase just stepped off the pages of the page of an Old Navy catalog and onto the Raw entrance ramp.   They're bringing a security force and a team of lawyers with them.   Dandy Randy, his posse, and all the voices in his head step foot into the ring and prepare to make an announcement.  

Bearing a resemblance to an all-white Nation of Domination circa 1996, Randy's entourage stand behind him as he addresses the crowd. 

"So I am officially challenging the winner of tonight's Edge vs. John Cena world title match.   Now I'm sure most of you thought I'd be challenging Triple H for the WWE title but that isn't going to happen because Triuple H isn't going to WrestleMania!    He's going to jail.   Tonight.   I am pressing charges against Triple H."
- Randy Orton

He goes on to give a silly excuse about how Hunter assaulted him with a deadly weapon.   No one brings up how earlier tonight, Chis Jericho slammed wooden walls down on an elderly man and then whipped him.   Snuka ain't calling the cops, pansy boy.   I didn't even think that was an option.

Did Trippy though?   Did he know that jail time was on the table?   If so, he can respond to this ridiculousness right now?   How about you,   Sideburns?   You want some of this milk?   Bring it out and here or forever hold your gamy peace.

Cue the Game.

Ha ha.   Yeah.   Which Game is he supposed to be?   Par- CHEESY?   HA HA HA…Hey.   Why aren't you laughing?   Oh crap.   He's right behind me, isn't he?

Sledgehammer in the Jim Duggan position, Triple H is here and he's got a microphone.  

"Your doctors and your lawyers say you have a disease called IED.   They say you're not in control of your actions, Orton.   Let me make something perfectly clear.   I am in complete control of mine."
- Triple H

With that, Billy Bad Ass marches up the ramp and into the waiting arms of a team of police.   They stand tall in the ring as he eyes them .   Then…he drops the hammer.   Literally.   He drops the sledgehammer and spins around.

The cops back off and he makes his way up the steps.  

"They all tell you what you want to hear, Randy.   I'm gonna tell you what you need to hear."
- Triple H

When Randall tries to guess his sins, Hunt cuts him off.   Here's what he needs to know:

Randy Orton took out the entire McMahon Family.   Now he needs to face Triple H at WrestleMania.   That's how the story works, beech.   If you don't, you won't avenge the moment that defines your life.   You know what that moment is, don't you?   You read about it in James Jerkface Guttman's first book, World Wrestling Insanity.   It was the night after your lame ass World Title win.   That's when then the Game squashed that ish.   He squashed it good.

"I'm not a good person.   I never have been a good person.   I wasn't happy for your success.   I made a conscious decision and I took what was mine.   Now you have that same opportunity, Orton,   You have  an opportunity to avenge that night. "
- Triple H

This is when all the smarties wave their arms in the air and go, "Weeee!   Shooting!"

The bottom line according to the Book of Helmsley is that Cowboy Bob's baby boy is the same little kid from 2004 that was carrying his bags.   Sorry, Orton.   The truth hurts.   You had all the talent in the world, but you were ultimately gutless.  

This cues the generic lawyer who obviously went to the same acting school as any other extra they've ever given a speaking role to on Raw.   He tries to play legal zoom on the Gameboy and send him away, but the former Legend Killer calls him off.   Let H stick around.   After all, Ort has an announcement for H Cubed.

"I'll be facing you.    Under one condition.   We settle this at WrestleMania.   You do not put your hands on me unless you're physically provoked."
- Randy Orton

That old gag.

The former Evolutionaries agree to agree and the segment appears to be over…

…but Randy Orton can't let it go.   He just can't let it go.

"I just thought you mike like to know that it felt great.   Regardless of whether or not I was in control of my actions.   I felt great when I kicked the old man in the skull.   It felt better when I did the same thing to Shane.   But Hunter, when I hit the RKO on your wife, I replay that over and over and over in my head.  I can still smell her scent.   Her skin.   So soft.   At least that's what I remember. I wonder what the last thing your wife remembers when I grabbed her by the neck and I slammed her pretty little face right down to the ground."

- Randy Orton

Hunter runs back to the ring, but he doesn't take the bait.   There's no physical violence and the two do the face to face, nose to nose pose that will forever be entwined with WrestleMania 25.   Seizing the moment and doing a remarkable job of making  it stick, Helmsley explained that while he may have broken Orton's collarbone last time, this time it's different.   This time, he's break his neck.   HHH delivered this one great and should really be applauded for it.  It will be associated with this event for years to come and for good reason.

Commercial Break.

Hey man.   Do this cowboy hat and leather chaps set make me look gay?

Uh…is that what you're going for?

Yup.

Then you look great.   Just great.

Shawn Michaels hath arrived and yay they all did praise him.   That's when the long faced Russian hit the scene.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Kozlov request that you all rise and respect his singing of the Soviet National Anth…huh?   What?   Oh.   OK.   I'm sorry.   I must have misheard.   Ahem.   Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Kozlov requests that you all rise and respect his singing of the High School Musical 3 soundtrack.

3. Shawn Michaels pinned Vladimir Kozlov after Sweet Chin Music

I like Vladimir Kozlov.   I really do.   It's just…well, I don't know what the hell he is.   If he's a Russian brute, he needs an investor or manager of some sort.   There's no point in having a brutal unbeatable force if no one is trying to harness him.   Where's Skandar Akbar when you need him?   Instead, V-Lad loses some steam and his entire persona suffers because of it.   Some guys need managers not just as mouthpieces but to completely round out their characters themselves.   Kozlov isn't complete without a second.   The quicker they find him one, the quicker he'll get attention.   Kozzy took it to Kid Heartbreak and wore him down, but Michaels came back from behind when he needed to.  He  went for his flying burrito, but Vlad came out of nowhere with a mid-air headbutt.   The Rocker fell to the mat and took a two count.   The Russian followed this up with a savage beating.   It all reached the climax when The Showstoppa hit his flying elbow and the crowd was on its feet.   Jerry Lawler pleaded for him to calm down.   Don't do it, Shawn!   We love you!   Not like that!   You know what we mean!  HBK doesn't hear too well when he's dancing all over people's faces.   That's what he did here.   Olaf was doomed the minute the DXer tuned up the band.   One kick to the mush and it was all she wrote, comrade.

After the bell, the Recession Victim celebrated as best he could with a look of pained sadness on his sad face.   Sensing this pain, the lights dimmed.   The bells tolled.   The Deadman cometh, yup yup.   With that, we look at what we have…

Undefeated WrestleMania Undertaker vs. Mr. WrestleMania Shawn Michaels.   There can be only one.

Rest…in…Leather Pants.

Commercial Break.

Did You Know?   If TV shows were all people, Raw could beat up every other show on cable?

Michael Cole is hyped, funny shirt Kingboy.   Know why?   John Cena's movie is coming out.   No.   Seriously.   Stop.   Stop smiling.   He's not kidding!   He's really excited!   John Cena plays Amy Fisher and he's out to save a Marine or something.   Watch it or we'll kill your pets.   That is all.

Bill Watts is the next name headed into the WWE Hall of Fame.   In an effort to show he's changed through the years, Bill has even agreed to share the stage with "some of them darkies."

Now that we got that out of the way, Bill is a no brainer for any hall of fame.   He's done so much for the industry and deserves to be honored.   Jim Ross will be inducting him.

From Hall of Fame to Rated R, we shoot backstage to Adam Copeland's face with Grishmeister Todd Grisham by his side.   What's on your mind, Edge regarding the recent return of Christian and his desire to face you?

Ha ha.   No.   I’m kidding.   Ha.   Ha.   Pyche.   No.   He asks him  about John Cena or something.   It's next.   You think you know me.   Shabadoo.

Commercial Break:

You're up, Mr. Edge.

Dude.   I'm not going out there.   John Cena said he's gonna give me the Five Knuckle Shuffle.

So what?   You're afraid of his signature move?

Signature move?   OH!   Oh!   Ha ha.   I thought he wanted to give me a handj…nevermind. Nevermind.    I'll go out there.

4.  John Cena defeated World Champion Edge via disqualification

These two are the counterparts of one another.   They're Rock to Austin.   They're Angle to Lesnar.   They're Gilberg to Goldberg.   OK.   That last one doesn't work, but you get the idea.   They work well together and it's funny to think back to the night they started the whole thing between these two.   It was a genuinely shocking moment at a time that saw moments like that coming few and far between.   Now, three years later, they've built something that can get people excited each time it's booked.   Making it even better is that both these guys are playing their parts so well.   Dr. Thuggypants is oh so goodie two shoes and Vicki's Broodboy is oh so evil.   How evil?   He got himself disqualified.   That's how evil.   Copeland retrieved the World Title from ringside and prepared to nail J.C. with it.   The official grabbed it away and it looked like tragedy was averted.   Then, just as referee Reffy O'County tries to remove the belt from the area, Edgar gets scooped into the F-U-Tittude Adjustment.   Before he can get dumped though, he grabbed the strap from the ref's arms and nails the Marine with it.   Reffy catches him and that leads to the ding, ding, ding.

Christian's estranged brother walks that aisle and is announced as the loser and still champion.   When he gets to the top of the ramp, he's joined by Vicki Guerrero and Big Show.   They both stand there and no one knows what to make of it.   With Guy Smiley licking his R Rated wounds, Guerrero makes the announcement that literally rocks, well, no one.

WrestleMania…Edge defends the World Title against…Big Show!

Blah.  No reaction.   No excitement.   The only side story is that John Cena is all bummed out now.   How can Biggie do this to him?   How can he…ah.   Who cares?   Edge and Cena look confused as we fade to black.

All in all …It's WrestleMania, man.   Things are always good this time of year.   Even when they're not.

Even moments that aren't good don't matter.   Big Show's show's closing was met with no response.   That doesn’t mean it won't play out well though.   Who knows where this can go by WM25?   Even if it ends up tanking and not giving us anything exciting, we still have plenty else going on that can make up for it.

Triple H is revving to go.   He's waiting on this.   He wets his head in the mirror and screams encouraging words to himself about this.   WrestleMania 25 means a lot to a student of the Him like Trips is.   He wants to turn it up and turn it in at the biggest event of his career.   Whatever the outcome, you can bet they'll bust their humps to sell it.

Chris Jericho's legend killer tour is like a mini-commercial for WWE Legends of WrestleMania for home game consoles.   Other than that, it's Randy Orton's gimmick being duplicated a few short years later.   All Save_Us needs to do is spit on some dudes and he'll complete the Randiplicity.   Luckily, he's talented enough to make it entertaining at times, but it doesn't make it any more original.

Shawn Michaels going over Vladimir Kozlov was good stuff.   For Vlad, a win over Shawn wouldn't have done as much for him as a loss to Shawn would do for HBK.   It just made sense.   Once you start beating too many top stars at once it seems forced and you become baaaaaaacccccckkkkkgrounnnnnndddddd noise…

…Noise!

It's the buildup to the biggest show in a long time.   It's only going to get better from here.   When they want to book a solid show, they can.   Something tells me things are going to be pretty good for the next few weeks.

Same with me, too.   I'll be back next week with another Raw Insanity and while I won't be doing them weekly, I'll have a lot more on the way too.   I missed doing them.

Big thanks to Mallory Mahling and Mike Rickard for all their hard word.   Be sure to check out Mallory's real time coverage and Mike's Great Moments in Wrestling.   Sir Rickard did an amazing job and every wrestling fan owes it to themselves to read what he's written and relive the moments that made us all fans.  

There's plenty going on at…well, you know.  

In fact, if you head to the bottom of the page, you'll find an alphabetical listing of all our past guests.   From Hall of Famers to forgotten cult stars, they're all there.  

And I'll be here next week.   Be Well!   Thanks for sharing my Insanity!